Fighting Melancholy
by telepathic-rendezvous
Summary: "Are you happy?" I can feel him tense at the question, I know he's asking himself every other single question other than the one I've asked him, so I continue "I mean, right now in this minute, this second. No ghosts, just, just me, are you happy?" J/E
1. New Beginnings

I'm gonna rate this T for the moment and maybe it might just move up to M but I've never written slash before so we'll have to see. I've also never written a twilight fanfic before so I hope you like it!

All characters belong to Ms Stephanie Meyer, I just play.

AH. College. Edward 19. Jacob 18.

**Chapter 1 – New Beginnings**

**Jacob's POV**

I've arrived. The suns shining and I'm here. I'm so syked. New people. Fresh start. No baggage. No past. Shed all the shit and leave it behind. I'm smiling despite myself. This is gonna be good, I can feel it. Walking up the

concrete path, I'm surrounded by greens and lilacs, trees are everywhere; everyone looks as anxious as me, this delicious mix of fear and undiluted excitement fills the air. College has a smell and I want bask in it!

**Edwards POV**

Welcome to shit hole Washington. Its sunny today and I'm betting that this happens about as often as George Bush got something right, I'm gonna hate it and I know it. Alice is singing along side me. She's excited. But she's

excited about everything. I try my best to ignore her. She's summer and I'm winter. She's joy and I'm misery. We're two polar opposites that shared the same womb. She says we're ying and yang, I'm the rain to her desert, the

logic to her compulsions. I just wish I were more like her. Carefree. Happy. God I'm such a miserable fuck sometimes, Morrissey has come on the radio and I couldn't agree with him more, I haven't had any luck either. If I had I

wouldn't have even set sights on the girl that shattered my heart into an infinite number of pieces, flunked my Juilliard audition and wound up here, I've failed my life at 19. It just really couldn't get more fucked. Sunshine here

is still grinning from ear to ear. I find myself smiling as well, she can't help the fact that her world is so sparkly, hell I wouldn't mind a lend of those rose coloured glasses she's wearing.

**Jacob**

Deep breath. He'll like you, of course he will. Everyone likes you. Come on, suck it up and knock the door. Or is that strange? Should I knock the door to my own room? Ow shit. I wrap my hand around the doorknob and turn. No

ones even here yet. I feel like a right fool and start laughing immediately.

"Ahem…"

Great. Great now I look crazy! I turn around slowly and flash my most dazzling smile. If this doesn't win him over nothing will.

"Hi" his face contorts a little at first and then he lets it rip, the most beautiful smile I have ever seen! I mean I think it might be better than mine. I'm Jacob… open your mouth damit.

"Jacob" I extend my hand. I attempt to smile wider.

"Edward" he says whilst clasping mine in his. Cold. I wonder if he's always this cold.

"Erm. About before… Could we just forget you caught me in here laughing at mid air?" I ask; I'm pretty sure I'm blushing. This so isn't cool!

"Absolutely. So what side do you want? Seeing as you were here first." His face is serious now, its almost as though that beautiful smile was never there. I can't help but notice he's stunning. He should model, maybe he already does. I'll ask him later.

"Thanks. Over there… The east catches the light first right?" I ask already knowing the answer, but he looks like he's left me already and we've only just met.

"Yea that's right" he walks over to his side of the room and starts to unpack, I do the same.

We've been silent for 20 minutes now, and I'm thinking that this isn't normal; hell I've been thinking that since 18 minutes ago. Right. What to say? What to say? I spot some sheet music.

"Hey man, you play?" as fast as it appears it's gone.

"No." Right so he's lying to me now? I've got stuck with a right one. I sigh, a little too loudly.

"I mean not anymore. Do you?"

"Nah, I fix cars though" I don't know what that has to do with music, but he's finally started talking to me and I'm just desperate to fill the silence.

"Really? That's cool, I've never really been into cars myself, I wouldn't know the bonnet from the boot" I detect the tinniest bit of humour in that so I laugh. I turn still laughing to see him flashing that angelic smile at me again. So I didn't imagine it after all. I like this Edward.

"Maybe I can teach you?" I ask, trying to be as friendly as possible. I watch his face, he has blue eyes, I never noticed before, I think there might be hints of green in them… he's looking at me expectantly, god don't tell me he's replied already.

"Sorry?"

"I said sure, sounds like fun" I'm not sure I believe him but I think he feels bad for the silence earlier and I'm not gonna stop him when he's finally making an effort.

"So… Edward. Where's home?"

Right so I thought that was a good place to leave it for now. I hope you liked it. Thank you for reading and please review. I promise to make subsequent chapters a hell of a lot longer. Also do you think T is alright considering the language? T.R


	2. Fast Friends

AN: I'd written most of this the day after the first chapter was posted but I had wanted this to be longer. Uni is taking over my life but I felt bad holding on to this so here you go, its probably a bit rubbish, next one will be better I promise! And huge thanks to sweetteetwo and my mystery reviewer it means so much and all the lovely people that added the story alerts and to their favourites. I hope this doesn't disappoint.

Again nothing belongs to me, Ms Myer's imagination reigns.

Chapter 2 - Fast friends

**EDWARD**

"Ahem…" I interrupt my new roommate mid laugh; it's a velvet deep baritone. He turns around, this walking God. Beautiful. He must be a model! I feel slightly self conscious, you know that feeling when you're sure you have food stuck in your teeth or something, I'm nervous, I didn't think it really mattered if he liked me or not, I was more than wiling to keep myself to myself, I just wanted somewhere to sleep, I didn't need a friend.

"Hi" I'm so stunned that I smile the biggest smile I have in a long time, it catches me off guard. He's silent for a while and I'm wondering if I embarrassed him earlier. Maybe I should have just let him finish, waited in the hall and entered once he'd stopped…

"Jacob" Ah, the beautiful man speaks, I vaguely recall something from Sunday school about Jacob and his twelve sons… but that's not enough to start a conversation with, plus he's Native American so I doubt he'd appreciate the comparison.

"Edward" I say, still smiling I grasp the hand he extended towards me and give it a good manly shake. I can't help but notice how warm his hands are, like he runs hotter than everyone else. Like fire in my cold ones. Cold hands, warm heart or so Alice always tells me. Convenient for her that's she's always ice cold too. Somehow I can't imagine someone so dazzling to be cold-hearted, but those are usually the ones to stab you in the back when you least expect it.

"Erm. About before… Could we just forget you caught me in here laughing at mid air?" His eyes sparkle slightly and he reminds me of her. I mentally recoil and pray he didn't notice.

"Absolutely. So what side do you want? Seeing as you were here first."

"Thanks. Over there… The east catches the light first right?"

"Yea that's right" He must be a morning person.

I walk over to my side of the room and begin unpacking my things, I spy some sheet music in my suitcase, I automatically pick it up as if to study it, no doubt Alice put it in there in some half cocked attempt to get me to play again. I look at it briefly and it makes my heart sting, physical pain begins to take over my chest and I don't feel like I can breathe so I put it back where I found it and zip it closed. Pretend its not there until I forget it actually is. Or maybe I'll just burn it later. For a brief moment there's a dull ache at the thought of burning such a masterpiece but I quickly push that thought down when I hear my roommate clear his voice to speak.

"Hey man, you play?"

Shit.

"No." I lie.

I hear him sigh on the other side of the room and I feel cruel.

"I mean not anymore. Do you?" I ask him staring at my bed, noticing the fine stitching in the blanket that Esme made me last Christmas. There's a slight pause.

"Nah, I fix cars though" I chuckle internally, I can tell he's one of those that aren't comfortable with silence, Alice is going to _love_ him.

"Really? That's cool, I've never really been into cars myself, I wouldn't know the bonnet from the boot" my feeble attempt at humour is rewarded with that delicious laughter again, the boy literally radiates warmth, its quite incredible and for the second time today he's tricked me into smiling like a fool.

"Maybe I can teach you?" His eyes light up again, but it doesn't bug me as much as before.

"Sure" I say in my cheeriest tone, we're stuck together for a year, we may as well get along, maybe if we had something in common? Plus it's another distraction; I could always use another one of those.

"Sure." I say.

"Sorry?"

"I said _sure,_ sounds like fun"

So… Edward. Where's home?" He asks, I assume to fill the silence just created.

"At the moment Texas, but we move around a lot, I've only ever been in the same place for 4 years, its hard to get attached you know, it's just a house."

"That's rough man, I've lived in the same place my whole life. This…" he says motioning around, "this is the first time I've left home, I'm so excited man, this is gonna be so great! Don't you feel it?"

I watch him continue to unpack; he's grinning like an idiot at what he just said and I can't help but think he's wrong. I mentally curse myself for it but I can't help it, this isn't where I want to be. Who studies medicine as a back up? What business did I have in telling people what was wrong them when I'm so irreversibly broken, I don't even know how to function as a friend and I've been the worst brother lately. Snapping at Alice for things I've long since accepted as Alicisms. I know I'm lucky despite what my Ipod would tell you, Morrissey's reign seems indefinite, I know I have the most amazing sister.

"I'm a twin" I'm not sure why I've come out with that but it looks like it's got him excited, he turns and looks at me with interest.

"Two of you? That's just not fair! You have to leave some girls for the rest of us, he doesn't go here too does he? A double act, she thinks she's scored with you and then bam! There's Edward 2 smirking at the other side of her." I let out a throaty laugh, it hurts a bit, been a while.

"First off we're not identical, she's a girl, she's gorgeous but not a lesbian so the poor girl wouldn't have scored at all, secondly smirk? I wouldn't know how." A blush creeps up his neck and he smiles.

"Does _she_ go her then?"

"Don't even go there!" I half laugh.

"I'm not I swear to you, I was curious is all"

So please review… pretty please, I'd love to know what you think, suggestions, requests T.R.


	3. Modul 42

AN: Sorry I haven't updated in forever, and I'm sorry the update is so short! But I felt this bit had to come and I couldn't extend it without including the following chapter in this one which is set to be a hell of a lot longer, and introduce some new characters and well as cementing the boys' friendship. Also in even better news I know where I'm going with the story now XD! Thank you to all those that have read, story alerts, favourited and of course those that review make my heart swell. Thank you so much, without you this story wouldn't have life.

Again everything belongs to meyer.

Chapter 3: **Modul 42**

I sit up drawing my knees to my chest and strain my eyes to look at the clock, its 4.30am and the light is just beginning to break through the window on Jacob's side of the room, so much for him being the early riser, this is the sixth consecutive day I've woken up at this time since I've been here. My mind runs to Esme in these moments as I remember how she cared for me after… hot coco, silence and hugs, she'd just sit with me and muse in the silence, so easy, I want to mentally scold myself for thinking something so utterly pathetic but she's the one that pulled me out of the darkness and now I feel like I'm slipping back in screaming. The night terrors are getting worse and I see the lilac that's coating the skin under my eyes grow deeper after each night as I wash my face in the sink each morning. I figure these early mornings are here to stay so I may as well do something useful with them, I turn on my bedside lamp and look over to Jacob to make sure the extra light hasn't disturbed him in his sleep, that boy could sleep though a hurricane I'm sure, but I make sure anyway. The bright light hurts my eyes, stings, I wait for them to adjust before I take out my chem book, lab is killing me. I figure if I use these 4 hours every morning before Jacob gets up I can really drag my grades up. As I read I study him every now and again, he barely moves in his sleep, slow gentle breaths escape him and I feel them pulling on my eyelids so I shut of my light and sink down into my bed to sleep and fall into my first peaceful rest for the night.

The door slams.

"Edward my man! Why are you still asleep?"

I open my eyes lazily to see our room flooded with light and Jacob looking at me quizzically with his backpack slung over one shoulder. He looks like he's just come in. Stretching slightly I turn over to the clock, 12.45. I groan; I've missed labs. I think about going back to sleep. I may as well. Its not much of a fight as my lids start to close once more and I shuffle to find a comfortable position, I vaguely recall Jacob's presence and the fact that he'd asked me a question I've yet to answer.

"Shit!" Springing from my bed I remember I missed class this morning and now probably the seminar as well. How fucking useless am I? I hear my piano teacher in my head, and realise he's right I'm letting myself down, if I'm not aiming for perfection why am I here? Prática*, prática, prática, he was Portuguese and a slave driver but he was just what I needed, he took me from a conceited amateur to someone that could really hear the music, I brush off the wistful thinking as the familiar nag in my chest that returns every time I think about music makes itself known, what I need to do is apply this to the present. I pull on a pair of blue jeans and the nearest t-shirt I can find, sling on my backpack and head off to the library, there's a buzz around campus but I don't have time to find out why, I wind in and out of the people chatting noisily, reaching for the heavy wooden door I push it open, step inside and let it fall from my hand. Silence. I look to my left and see a library plan and quickly locate the medical aisles, I walk silently towards them almost single mindedily I don't notice any of the students in the library, right now what I need most of all is to study, to bury myself and my conscious in these books, medicine is what I have chosen as my sanctuary, this is what I'm giving her. If I want to be as great as my father I need to put in the hours, I need to stop bellyaching and feeling sorry for myself. We can't unwrite the past but we have a hand in the future, it is ours to sculpt as we see fit.

"The library's closing young man, come on now its 2am and I haven't seen you leave your seat since you arrived, you'll be no use in class if you continue on that way"

"Just erm one more second, let me just finish this page and I'll be out of your hair", I flash her one of my smiles and she relents as I knew she would, I find it hard to find the concentration I had just moments ago though as her interruption has made me painfully aware of just how hungry I am. With a sigh I realise she's right.

"Goodnight and thank you for letting my stay" I offer her a small smile of gratitude and open those heavy doors once more into the sticky night. My stomach grumbles and I remember my self imposed starvation, nothing will be open now, regrettably I seek out a vending machine, chocolate will have to do for now. It's surprising how easy it is to eat 3 bars of the stuff after spending the last 8 hours reading what I was reading.

Quietly I open the door to my dorm to find Jacob asleep and a plate of food on my bed with a sheet of A4 on top, I turn on my side lamp to read it, turning my head first to make sure I haven't woken Jacob up.

_Hey man, __saw you earlier in the library and you looked determined to say the least, figured you'd be in there hours and forget to eat, so I got you some crap from the canteen._

_Jacob. _

I smile looking down at the food, greedily ripping off the plastic wrapper and demolishing the food in 5 minutes flat; maybe it won't be so bad here after all.

"Edward?" opening my eyes I see Jacob fully dressed in a pair of old jeans and white t-shirt ripped and holey in places, he's smiling. Taking a quick breath I glance over to my side and see its 9am, it's the first time I've slept through the night since I've got here and I silently do a little dance in my head.

"Jake?" I ask sleepily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"I was thinking seeing as its Saturday and all, maybe we could go work on a car like I suggested? You said you'd like to learn…"

*Practice


	4. An Introduction to Keats

AN: Think the stories finally growing some legs. Do you agree? I'd love to know. Also moving the rating right on up to M now, Jacob has a bit of a potty mouth. And apologies to American reading or just anyone that isn't a Brit, I think it's starting to be mighty obvious I am. If ever a word doesn't make sense let me know and I'll enlighten you, I'm trying not to use any English slang but I think it comes out despite my efforts. Thank you for reading.

Characters belong to Meyer, well essentially anyway.

* * *

An Introduction to Keats

Chapter 4

"Jake. Pass me the wrench?" Running to the tool box I stand there both fascinated and overwhelmed by the share volume of instruments in front of me, but I'm excited and determined to get this right, I was finally getting a chance to help dad fix the truck, it was a clamped out old banger but he was going to make it beautiful I'd seen him do it before. He'd never asked me to help before now, I locate the wrench and grasp it tightly with both hands walking speedily towards him so as not to keep him waiting, I hand him the wrench overcome with a new sense of importance. Dad had a way of making people feel that way; I'd heard my mum remark before, it was the sign of a great leader she said. He hands it back to me and I look up at him puzzled, doubt begins to sweep my features as I begin to worry that I selected the wrong tool.

" Jake. Hey Jake, you see that bolt there?" He looks at me steadily, there's a warmth in his gaze that I'll never come across again.

"Yes dad" I speak softly.

"I want you to tighten it for me" he continues to hold my gaze and offers me a small smile; I nod quickly and proceed as instructed careful to not overdo it. I look up to see him offering up my favourite expression of all, that toothy grin that I swear brings out both the sun and the moon, in fact in that moment I'm sure that each of them is jealous when they aren't there to witness it, it's the sun that's lucked out this time and I grin up at it feeling so special I could float. Failing that I offer him back a little sun of my own in a form of the widest smile I own.

"You're a natural Jake!" he ruffles my hair, its past my shoulders now so he makes quite a mess but I don't fix it.

"What's next dad?"

* * *

**EPOV**

"Coome on. Pay attention! You know I have to pay you back somehow for helping me with that pain in the arse essay last night man, besides Bella will dig it, she's totally into cars!"

"I'm really not _into _Bella" I mutter under my breath, there's no use in arguing with Jake, not really, once he's decided that something's the way it is, it just is, like how he decided I was worth something, I was glad for his friendship so I couldn't really complain when it bit me in the arse on occasion.

"Sure sure" he ignores me as usual studying my features, probably trying to catch me out, there was nothing to catch, I meant what I said about Bella, she was just a friend.

"So… where's the carburettor again?" I distract him in my most serious voice. Strange as it seems these little sessions with Jacob are actually helping me to study too, its surprisingly easy to draw comparisons between cars and the human body, we base almost all technology on ourselves anyways, human beings are incredibly egotistical.

Jacob looks up at me and a see his shoulders begin to vibrate as one of his laughs begins to roll off them, he physically shakes when he laughs and I can't help that I find myself laughing right along with him, its one of those laughs that takes over your senses and makes your stomach clench and chest shudder to catch a breath.

"Edward you're killing me man! How could you even ask me that? Where have you been for the last 6 weeks?" he's trying to be serious but I see the smile that festers just beneath the surface of his scowl and I laugh again joyously, I surprise myself lately with how much I'm laughing. We'd been working on his baby every Sunday since he asked me that first week of term.

"I'm joking, I'm joking I swear!" I smile up at him holding my hands up as a sign of my surrender. Jake's an impressive 6'5", which means even at my perfectly decent 6'2" I'm still finding myself looking up at him on occasion. I'm trying to pull my face into the most sincere expression I can muster when Jacob's giant hand falls down to whoop me upside the head.

"Heeeyy! What was that about?" I pout, rubbing the back of head with my right hand, I don't suppose it hurt that much but Jake always seemed a lot gentler than that. I mean he just whooped my head, what the hell!

"That dear Edward is for messing with me. Don't do it again" He's smirking at me, I can't believe he's actually smirking at me, I look him in the eye and I can see a mischievous glint there and I realise he's just getting me back for the carburettor joke. I still thought it was a bit harsh though; physical violence just wasn't necessary.

"Edward?" I look up at him still sulking. He looks down at me and sticks out his bottom lip and makes the biggest puppy eyes I've ever seen. My face rearranges almost immediately I'm suddenly worried about him instead of mad, just as soon as this new expression manifests itself on my face, Jacob's changes as well. He breaks out that fucking incredible smile he gave me the first time we met and I can't help but return it like I couldn't on that very first day.

First and foremost Jacob was a flirt. I knew it, he knew it; hell I wouldn't be surprised if the whole school didn't know it by now. He knew exactly what to do to get what he wanted, and don't think he was put off by gender, I swear if he thought a tree could help him out he'd flirt with that too. He had a good heart though and I'd come to witness those moments more and more frequently when I was allowed access to the warm gentle soul he hid with that bravado. He'd make a good teacher one day I'm sure of it. That's what Jacob what's to do, something about giving back to community he came from. Whenever he started talking about it, his eyes would water some and I knew it was much more complicated than he was letting on but I didn't push. Who was I to push? I had secrets of my own.

Besides, in these past few months I've smiled more than I have in the last year and that's all down to Jake, his happiness is infectious. Sometimes I actually feel alive for a minute of two, sixty to one hundred and twenty sun kissed moments and then I'm back in the abyss. Alice adores him for those moments and I'm pretty sure she has a crush on him. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I was protective of my sister and there was something about Jake that made me not want to share. But Jacob has stayed true to his word in our first conversation and is seemingly impervious to her attempts to seduce him. Its almost comical to watch, she even tried to talk car with Jacob as a last resort, about ten minutes in she was completely lost, Jake knows a hell of a lot about cars and once you get him started if he thinks you're genuinely interested, you get to know just how much he does know… god damn that boy could write an encyclopaedia on that stuff. I'd made that mistake a few times now, well I wouldn't necessarily call it a mistake, his eyes lit up when he spoke car and I liked it, it prolonged that bliss, those moments when I felt alive, when the guilt subsided and I was free.

"Hey Jake… how about we go for dinner? My treat? The daylights going now anyway, it'll be dark soon and I have a hell of a lot to read for tomorrow, professor Aro has seriously got it in for me"

"He gave you extra reading again? Dude that really isn't cool" I failed to tell him it was me that had requested the extra work at the beginning of the semester but now half way through I found I had a new distraction in the form of Jake and late nights spent reading just didn't have the appeal that they used to.

"So… dinner?"

"Yea sure, but its my treat. Canteen cool?" I smile in acceptance and motion to him with my arm to led the way. The food they serve in the canteen is fucking horrific but I don't pass up a chance to spend with Jacob, when he's around its not so bad.

**JPOV**

I lead the way into the canteen and eyed a few friends on the way, well a lot of friends, that's another thing I'd discovered here, I was good at making friends, for whatever reason people liked me so as I walked towards the dinner lady serving what would be our delectable meal, I found myself inclining my head, smiling and waving at almost every second person that past. Edward walked behind me quietly, his guard was going back up and I could feel it. He wasn't so good with people, he could be, I was sure of that, who could resist? The first thing you noticed was his hair, it was this fiery bronze colour that got your attention and he always looked like he had just been fucked, hair all ruffled and crazy, it stood out in every direction and just wouldn't be tamed. He had these eyes that couldn't quite make up their mind as to what colour they were so were, sorta a bluish green with brown flecks. I noticed because well when Edward did talk to you, he made eye contact and they'd sorta hypnotise me on occasion and I'd lose my train of thought. It was the eye contact that told me he wasn't shy. Boy had confidence by the bucket load. He had to know he was beautiful? If he did though he didn't care. The way he walked around like nothing meant anything. It was sexy as hell and all the girls here wanted to tap that. Hell probably a few of the guys as well. The whole rebel without a cause always went down well with the chicks; only that wasn't Edward. He worked damn hard. When his head wasn't under a bonnet with mine it was in a book. Edward didn't try with people at all, in fact he concentrated so hard on not trying he emitted this fuck off beacon instead. Cullen wore this mask when he was around people; even me, he rarely took it off. I shook my head at the thought and grabbed a tray to load up. I took one for Edward as well and offered it to him meeting his eyes I offered up a small smile looking to crack that mask a little, he merely nodded in thanks. I sighed. It was a crying shame that such a pretty face was so sad all the time.

"Jake my man! Over here!" I heard Newton call, there was no mistaking that voice, he spoke like he knew he was the shit and there was no competition out there, he was on the track team and he ran like there was no tomorrow, I should know he had raced me often enough, I could run. Fast. But there was something special in that boy's shoes like was on fire or something. Fuck I don't think I'd ever beat him. I'd got damn close though and I slaughtered anyone else that dared challenge me. It didn't bother me though, I had stamina, something he didn't and while I couldn't touch him in the 100m or even the 200 he couldn't hope to compete with me in the 400 or 600, see Newton was hot steam and he just never had enough.

"Mike! You met Cullen already right?" I asked gesturing over to my right where Edward stood somewhat awkwardly, I knew he'd much rather sit alone with me but it was only the first term and I didn't think I could risk being damn right rude already. Edward would be ok as long as I kept throwing him smiles every once in a while, I knew he liked them, so far it was the only way I could get to see his. I didn't mind a bit of cheek ache if it meant being rewarded with that. But right now I'd do just about anything just to get him to relax a little. Let down that mask ever so slightly so that they could see even a glimpse of that Edward that had been with me only a few moments before when we were fixing my baby.

"I've seen you around, never been introduced. I'm Mike." He offers Edward his hand despite the fact Edward still hasn't sat down and so has both hands occupied with his tray. Edward inclines his head towards his tray and offers a somewhat apologetic smile. I knew he didn't really give a fuck. Edward wasn't here to make friends; he'd told me as much the second week in, for some reason though he must have seen something in me to actually give a damn. It made me feel special, and I'm not afraid to admit that I like it.

I go to sit down and smile up at Edward, silently begging him to sit down and relax, no one was going to bite. Well not much anyway, from what I'd encountered from them all before, I knew enough to know they were all damn nosey. That was ok though, I'd grown up on a reservation where everyone knew everyone's business, at least here I could choose whether or not I answered their questions and whether or not when I did answer I told them the truth. Sometime during my musing Edward must have sat down because now Angela was leaned into him asking questions. Edward didn't look awkward exactly, just completely and utterly uninterested which is why I cut it, not to save him, no on the contrary to save poor Angela. Pushing up against Edward's shell could bruise.

"So Angela! How's bio treating ya?" She looks at me with gratitude in her eyes, no one likes being ignored.

"God! The professor is killing me but otherwise its not so bad! Students are pretty decent; a few of them though seriously make me wonder how they ever got accepted. I mean come on! Who doesn't know that the nickname for the pituitary gland is the "master gland"? …"

Edward smiled at that, small and light but she'd got his attention. Angela kept talking beside herself but I began to zone out and focused on Edward instead. He followed everything she said, offering subtle facial expressions for those studious enough to notice as responses to her comments. I'd always been observant, well when it came to people anyway, them and cars. I was wondering when he was going to honour her with an actual reply, one she would notice, preferably in the form of words. I glanced over at Newton, he was flirting unashamedly with Jess, who flirted right back, thick and heavy, don't get me wrong I was no prude and I could flirt with the best of them, I did it so much it was pretty much second nature by now but this was getting vulgar and I was eating. I stared pointedly at the both of them 'til I had their attention and then made a gagging noise, I wrapped my hand around my throat for further effect, Jess just rolled her eyes while Mike gave me a death stare that made me think that I might have ruined his chances for a lay tonight. I didn't care, just as long as they stopped the damn foreplay at the fucking dinning table.

I glanced back 'round at Edward and was pleased to see he finally rewarded Angela with some speech and judging from the glow in her eyes so was she. I felt myself instantly relaxing at the sight of Edward socialising. Social Edward… Edward and small talk… Well if a discussion on infectious diseases could be classed as small talk. He likes her. I'm not surprised, Angela's pretty with long brown hair and those sexy black rimmed glasses of hers, she's the type of girl who has no idea what she's actually doing to a guys dick and so tempts you in the most innocent of ways and smart too, she could school almost any boy here. Edward wasn't interested in her in that way though, the same way he wasn't interested in any girl here. Boy must be picky, because Angela was amazing, shy sure but she had a good heart, and when you encountered someone as pure as her you took notice. She's good people. She had a thing with Newton at the beginning of term; only he fucked it up like he does most things other than track. We don't talk about it. He probably fucked Jess behind her back; I wouldn't be surprised. Jessica Stanley the type of girl you jacked off to when you were twelve because society told you to, her tits where out for the world to see and she didn't mind if you copped a feel either, a fake blonde on a mission to colonise every dick in school. I had a strange respect for her though, she knew what she wanted and she went for it. I could definitely do with taking a leaf out of her book once in while. Rest assured I still didn't have much time for her, some might call her a tart with a heart but I wasn't convinced that her heart still beat, Angela was her best friend, is, by all intensive purposes, she's too nice to do anything about it.

"Angela's nice." Edward remarks on our way back to our room.

"Oh yea?"

"Yea. Newton's a moron. And jess in well? Jess." I look at him surprised that he took in the other conversations around the table whilst he was talking to Angela. They'd gotten pretty animated at one point. Well either that or Mike had moron tattooed on his forehead, so it had only taken a glance, it wouldn't surprise me.

"Yea Jessica certainly is something…" I restrained from calling her a certain name, Edward didn't use language in the same way that I did.

"Oh and Jacob"

"Yea?"

"Thanks for dinner." Those blue green eyes find mine and I can't help but return their gaze, he's being sincere like he always is. The food was shit like it is every night, sloppy mac n cheese and soggy veg, I ate it sure, after working up an appetite fixing the rabbit in ninety four degrees sun I would've fucking eaten rat.

"You're welcome. Besides the rabbit's coming along nicely couldn't have done it without you man." I wink, but I mean it, every word, aside from the mucking about today which frankly took me by surprise, Edward had been a huge help. It still amazes me how quickly he's become a part of my routine, working on the rabbit, well fixing anything that was clapped out and half dead was like my private sanctuary, it had been since dad died and I'd never shared that peace with anyone else before now. There's just something special about how you can bring something back to life, no matter how worn it was when it came to you, you gave it a second life, a second chance to be loved and treated with the respect it didn't get in the first. I know it might sound whimsical but it almost felt transcendent. Musing I noted the dog tags around Edward's neck.

"Hey, the tags… they real?"

"Yea they were my dads, he served in Nam, he was a med, the fatalities they suffered and the fact that he helped to reduce them are the only reasons he wasn't ashamed to be involved" he's twirling the tags and his eyes are glossing over some.

"What does it say?" I notice there's an engraving on the reverse of one of the tags, prints so small you could miss it but its there.

"I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest. John-

"Keats"

"Yea, how'd you know?"

"Beauty is truth. Truth beauty. And that is all you know on earth and all need to know. My father was a fan too."


	5. His Shampoo

**AN: **As always I just play in Meyer's playground with her toys. (more an at bottom)

**His Shampoo**

Chapter 5

EPOV

"Hey, the tags… they real?" I look down surprised I'm playing with them; they usually stay hidden under my shirt.

"Yea they were my dads, he served in Nam, he was a med" twirling the tags around my fingers and eyeing the engraving for a second or two I can feel my eyes getting misty, the way they always do when I talk about dad.

"What does it say?" Jake asks searching my eyes out from behind their lids.

"I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest. John-"

"-Keats" he interrupts and I'm surprised, I didn't take Jake for the kind of guy that read Keats. I wasn't the kind of guy that read Keats. I just remembered the odd phrase and the inscription on the tags. Dad had had it engraved when he got back. It wasn't the recognition that he was concerned with it was being the best he could be, ha the irony of that statement doesn't escape me.

"Yea, how'd you know?" my eyes flicker back up to Jacobs and I'm struck speechless by his answer.

"Beauty is truth. Truth beauty. And that is all you know on earth and all need to know." He's silent for a moment.

"My father was a fan too." He offers as way of an explanation. His eyes leave mine and I think I can see a faint trace of a blush under that russet skin.

* * *

I wake up with a start, bright light floods my retinas and I feel that all too familiar dread that pulls at the pit of my stomach, I know this is the reality, I know I'm awake because it is here, not like in my dreams, not abstract and loose but tangible. It's as if the guilt uses my consciousness as a vessel for its preservation, as if it knows that I will feed it. Like some form of symbiotic parasite I need it as much as it needs me.

I can't remember the dream and I'm grateful for that, I can tell from the slight burn in my muscles it wasn't pleasant. They never are but its better when I can't remember them, can't remember the ugliness, the phantoms I've created, figments that were once real, were once as tangible as the guilt. Forgetting makes allowing myself to sleep tonight easier, it means I don't have to lie to myself, to bargain because despite the pain the dream will always win, my eyes will always close and to fail at that each night is just too much. In the beginning I'd manage days, I'd do anything to stay awake. But wakefulness, reality, has its drawbacks too.

I pull myself up until my naked back is kissing the headboard and I drag my knees up to my chest and breathe lightly, reaching over to my right I lift the alarm and note the time 7:15am, Jacob must be at track. Manoeuvring myself out of the sheets that have wrapped themselves around my ankles like a tourniquet, another sign that the dream wasn't pleasant, I make my way out of the bed and head for the shower. Running the water I check the temperature with my wrist; hot. Like a slow torture I scold myself under the hot pulse of the water, the heat awakens my muscles. I stand beneath the spray until every inch of my body is red and raw, I then reach for my shower gel and proceed to scrub away at the guilt as though it will help, failing that I rinse, slowly my hands wash suds of my face, neck, shoulders, arms, chest, hands that only moments before inflicted pain, now loving care for the red skin under its touch. Reaching out blindly for the shampoo I squirt some into the palm of my left hand and lather it slowly before massaging my head, the methanol smell ignites my senses and I realise I've used Jacob's shampoo by accident, I'm sure he won't mind so I resume the head massage as before.

"_So this is one of the most simple questions I will ever ask of you, I wouldn't dare insult your intelligence a second time but its an old favourite of mine and I think will inform you better than any other the nature of the class you sit in now, so indulge an old man" looking around Professor Aro takes his time to look each pupil in the eye as though he were looking for something, as though regardless of the supposed simplicity of the question that the answer was detrimental to our success in his class. Perhaps it was. The room is silent and serious faces look toward him expectantly, waiting, praying they know the answer. He waits and then smiles, "If the universe, the majestic sun, the moon, your left thumb, this sheet of paper, the very chair you have planted your bottom on, is made of the exact same substance, if they are all made of atoms what is it that provides the friction, why don't we fall through floors or walk through walls?" _

_I smiled at that, this was fundamental physics, not exactly what he was supposed to be teaching but I had the feeling Professor Aro didn't believe in tunnel vision, he liked to see everything, to understand as much of this world as he could. I look around to see others smiling and a few worried faces as well, no doubt because the simplest of answers, of facts really had escaped them, that was the problem with the classic over achiever, the refusal to believe anything could ever be that simple. His eyes are twinkling as he eyes the dubious faces, he gets a kick out of this, out of teaching. _

"_Welcome to Chemistry 101, the real lessons begin now. I don't just teach chemistry, I teach physics and biology, history, geography. I am going to attempt to enlighten you, I want as many of you as possible to step into the light, to remove your blinkers and see. Life is more than this degree. And chemistry, chemistry is the study of life. The manipulation of it. The worship of nature. " Again taking the time to look each of us the eye. Silence, absolute silence. Faces are engaged now, riveted by his words. _

"_Right so I had asked a question…" _

_Hands raise swiftly, determined faces laced with intrigue. I on the other hand sit still, hands on the desk, observing. _

"_You! With the hair!" every one looks at everyone else, it isn't a very descriptive label but I knew it was me, the only one without a raised hand, and undoubtedly the only one whose hair called for attention. I silently curse it before I offer "me?" it comes out a little shaky and unsure and that surprises me. Something about his stare puts me off. _

"_Yes you, how could it be anyone else?" all heads turn to me now and I feel the daggers that some have directed towards me, I know the faces those eyes belong to. "Can you answer the question?"_

"_Which question sir? The first or the latter? To the first it's a simple matter of the laws of attraction. The outer orbital of an atom contains electrons that are negatively charged, therefore each atom repels the other creating the friction you speak of, although calling it friction is a wholly inaccurate and somewhat misleading. And to the second question I assume it could only be myself because I was the only one without a raised hand, you had wanted to impress the class with another enthusiastic tale of sciences intelligence so you picked on the one student who mightn't know the answer so that you may enlighten him, evoking in him and the class a sense of wonder. Its important to you." _

"_Your name?"_

"_Edward Cullen"_

"_Lets hear it for Mr Cullen! He seems to know chemistry and indeed physics better than I. So well in fact I'm left wondering why he is even here. Perhaps for his sake as well as mine we are both mistaken." There are a few sniggers here and there and a few sympathetic sounds, I had to give it to him I deserved that. I was being a smartarse. The shield lowered to unload the canon but didn't rise soon enough to protect myself from the blast. Fucking serves me right. I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the lesson. _

I gringe rinsing the suds out. What a way to make a first impression.

"Mmm you smell gooood! You smell like Jacob!" her eyes widen at her statement

"Why do you smell like Jacob?"

"Why do you know what Jacob smells like?"

"That's personal Edward, and besides I asked first."

"Fine, I'll tell you if you promise to tell me after?" I thought it was a reasonable offer.

"Ok" that was easier than I would have liked.

"I used his shampoo." I stare at her pointedly, without a hint of embarrassment, besides it smells nice and it was only a slip of the hand, one I'll be making more often if I'm honest.

"I er…" she pauses and I wait. "I er, I lean in sometimes…" I wasn't going to make this easy for her but I lean in because well, she's my sister and she didn't need to tell the whole library what I know she's about to say. "… to smell him." She almost whispers it. Violent rouge travels from her neck to erupt on her cheeks and I can't help the smirk that marks my lips.

"When did you turn into a bloodhound Alice? You lean in to smell Jacob?"

I was laughing now and I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop, it felt good, laughing felt good and as few and far between as they were, like eclipses really only opposite because I felt like I lived under the moon and it was in these rare moments that I got to feel the sun, feel how it danced along my skin like the promising caress of a lover's lips, how my heart leaped out of my chest when laughter granted it the opportunity to beat again, to feel again. It was transcendent and then it was gone as quickly as it had arrived and I was left once more alone and cold. It didn't take a genius to know that I was the moon, I was the one that kept out the sun but I didn't know how to stop it, how to let down these walls I erected. I'd built them for a reason and whilst I enjoyed those moments when they came down for a half minute and I bathed in the light, I knew it was for the best, they kept me safe, if loneliness was the cost and I knew it was, I'd pay it. I look up at Alice, the afterglow of the sun leaving my cheeks and she's smiling like she just won the fucking lottery, or like Jacob had proposed while I was laughing and I'd failed to notice.

"Alice?" She just continued to smile that unearthly smile, staring at me in the silence.

"Alice? What are you smiling at?"

She reaches up for my cheek and cups it with her small hand, and I see her eyes are glowing with this joy ebbed with sadness, closing my eyes to shut hers out; I know the sadness is from me.

"Alice? I'm sorry I laughed, I know he's-" she silences me with a her index finger pressed against my lips. It isn't lost on me how intimate this must look to everyone here that isn't us. That was just her way. She had always been tactile. Those that knew her knew it was just her way of expressing herself, her way of connecting. After dad died Alice had been trapped in her head, and it was Esme that used touch to connect with her. The weight of a hand on a shoulder was enough to tell her that she was real, that she was there and had no intention of leaving. It was the repetition of these actions that came to mean so much more than the words, Alice knew she loved her but so had dad and it didn't stop him leaving. The touching wasn't something I encouraged from Esme, I preferred to deal with things my own way, my own way being to play, to play so loud sometimes I felt the bricks might collapse around me and show the world how much this hurt or I'd play so quiet you could barely hear my fingers on the keys, I was playing for the angels I said, I was ten when dad died and only three when mum died and dad always maintained that she could hear me, he said when I played the heavens couldn't help themselves but listen. I believed him for a long time after he died, maybe longer than any man should, last year after it happened I stopped. I haven't touched a note since.

Alice is still smiling and I'm about to question her again when she finally opens her mouth to speak, her finger still on my lips.

"You laughed." She closes her mouth after the statement and she sighs this heartbreaking sound, its relief and I realize once more how much weight I've put on those small shoulders, the worry. And I hate myself for it but I'm thinking about those walls and I know I'm coward for doing this but I can't bring myself to pull them down. Not even for her, my own flesh and blood. She thinks it hurts now but I don't want her to see what's behide here, what I'm protecting her from. I'm bruised and bleeding and ugly and I can't do that to her. My sweet sweet Alice. I can't ask to her to shoulder anymore of my weight then she already is. When I look at her, I see that sweet little girl that twirled in the grass, that tried on mum's heels and asked dad to dance under the stars, her feet on the toes of his shoes, covered in mum's make up and her perfume, every movement causing it to fill the air. I remember the wind had a mind of its own that day and it was almost as though she was there with us, watching and smiling like she used to.

Her finger moves away now and I smile, its half hearted but it's the best I've got right now, she accepts it like she always does, her smile barely faltering. She's a lot stronger than she knows, so much stronger than me, Alice is like dad, it was years after he had died that I began to truly admire him, when he was alive he was just our dad and he spent so much time making sure Alice and I felt special that there just wasn't time to notice how truly remarkable he actually was. I remember Alice smiling and dancing with dad and I remember him smiling down at Alice but I remember his eyes too, shiny and sad. He danced with his daughter whilst she played make believe in his dead wife's clothes whilst her smell haunted him like a phantom, as he twirled his daughter across the grass.

I return to my books now shutting Alice out, something dad never would have done. He was strong but I'm not. I feel rather than hear her as she scraps her chair behind her as she makes to leave, there are no sighs or mumblings; Alice never does anything to make anyone feel bad. What she doesn't know, is how much I hate myself for allowing her to continue to treat me like porcelain. Like some precious, breakable thing. I'm the eldest, by minutes sure. But I should be looking out for her, after her, not the other way around. And for a while it had been the way its meant to be, but last year that all changed and now she was stuck with that ten year old boy that played the piano rather than talk to his sister, his twin, because he didn't think he could cope with anyone else's grief; because he was selfish. I still am. Only sometimes I think what she has now is worse. I didn't construct walls when I played, I lashed out, I hurt those around me but it was honest, they had a choice whether to deal with me or not, the playing alerted them to my mood, warned them of the tears, the piano cried for me, it let it out. This. This was worse somehow, there wasn't a rambling melody depicting my pain just vacant eyes and walls, walls that I knew frustrated her beyond belief but she would never say it, not my Alice, sweet, sweet girl.

"Dinner with me later. You can bring Jake."

"We don't want him eating all by himself now do we?" I smirk and she looks back at me with one of her own. Turning on her heel she saunters out of the library yes that's right Alice is a woman now and she walks like that. My mind won't believe would my eyes have just seen and my subconscious laughs an empty laugh at my naivety, of course she's growing up. I watch as the heads turn to eye my little sister and I shake my head in disbelief. When did this happen?

"Wakey wakey sleeping beauty"

"Jake?" I can feel his breath on my ear.

"That's right bookworm. My favourite pixie has charged me with assuring your presence at a certain dinner tonight…"

"Oh. That. Sorry you don't have to come."

"No that's alright, couldn't pass up a free dinner."

"Sure it's the dinner and not that you can't pass up the chance to ogle my sister?"

"Well I told you already I only have eyes for one Cullen" his eyes are smiling and I know he's only joking, but I can't help the way my heart beats that little bit faster at what he said.

I swat him on the arm. "Liar!"

Jake gives me a funny smile as he starts throwing my stuff into my bag.

"Hey!"

"I'm just helping…"

"You can help by waiting for me outside, I'll be two minutes."

"Okay…" He backs away hands held up, palms towards me as if in surrender and than walks backwards out of the library. This time I'm not surprised at all the heads that turn to look at Jake as he goes. Their eyes widen with lust as he walks by and unlike like Alice I'm sure he knows, there's a confidence in that walk that could only come from knowing you could have whoever you wanted whenever you wanted. He flashes me one of his Hollywood smiles before he turns on his heel and I'm left wondering if it was for me or his audience. Effortless. I find myself chuckling as I shake my head.

Jake is leaning against a wall reading, he's mouthing the words, I can tell from the rhythm that its poetry or some other complicated prose. I've learnt by now that Jake has a passion for books, when you look at him you might be fooled into thinking it was just a ploy to get the girls; frankly it really wasn't fair that he was so perfect. Sometimes I was convinced standing next to him only made my flaws more visible. But when standing next to him felt as good as it did I knew I didn't care. His eyes briefly drift off the page and meet mine, shutting the book he uses the leg propped on the wall to push off as he walks towards me slowly, almost seductively, I can't help the laugh that escapes through my lips, its long and hard and I think I spot him frowning and it only makes me laugh harder, tears are leaking from my eyes and my stomach is clenching, expanding and contracting with every vibration of my throat. Jacob is looking at me, full thinned, waiting. I collect myself slowly, briefly reveling in the warmth that spreads across my chest as he looks at me as though he's been chastised for something, which in a way I guess he has.

"What?" I ask looking him directly in the eye.

"What do you mean what? You looked at me and then burst out laughing! If anyone should be curious here its me Edward. What was so fucking hilarious man?"

"You." I smirk slightly.

"That's not an answer." He replies smoothly. "Do I have something in my hair?" he reaches for it now and starts messing with the shiny black locks.

"It's not your hair Jacob." He reaches for his face at this moment and begins the exact same treatment and I can't help myself because this is adorable, I smile at him wide and genuine. I reach out and grab his hand away from his face before he can do any damage, I look up to his eyes then to find them focusing on my hand on his, soft and warm, I drop it as though it were burning coal.

"So what was it?" he asks me softly.

"It was nothing" I say, Jacob looks at me in that funny way he does sometimes but he drops it, like he always does and I'm thankful. He offers me one of his Hollywood smiles and swiftly changes the subject onto tonight.

* * *

AN: So what did you think? Please Review and let me know. I was agonizing over this so I thought I'd put it out there before I lost my balls. Started writing the next chapter already as it really is a continuation of this one. Thank you for the alerts and the review they really do make me smile! Please review and let me know what you're thinking! Reviews are like Christmas, a lil snow in august please? TR


	6. Flaws

AN: Hi guys! So its been forever, and I apologise i don't like when a writer leaves a story dead in the water either! But I had lost faith in the story and just wasn't convinced of anything I'd written! But ask and you shall receive apparently... so I've updated with this dusty chapter I've had written for months, with a few edits i think its ok, though orginally it should have included the dinner also, but I think I'll leave that for another chapter. Sorry its a short update but I figure its better than no update right? Also I'm writing my dissertation atm :( so there won't be another update until thats gone, 31st Jan. Much love. And please review if you want more, suggestions, anything... xx

*******J*******

"Jacob." I peer up from up my book slowly; she looks a little timid for a tenth of a second before she opens her mouth again with renewed confidence and a megawatt smile, but she's a Cullen and when they smile they don't do it by halves, "Hey."

"Hey! How's my favourite pixie doing today?" I beam upwards, she's a little pink around the cheeks as if she'd been running but I know Alice and that really isn't her style. Alice Cullen doesn't run; she glides.

Fucking lot of them were beautiful, made me wonder what the hell their parents looked like, but knowing that they'd lost them both, though not how, I kinda knew I wouldn't be finding out that bit of information anytime soon and I wasn't about to ask either, I figure what ever fucked Edward over must be related to that in no small way, and when or if he wanted to share I'd be here. But that was just speculation and I swore I wasn't gonna do that with Edward, I wasn't gonna invent some story for his life 'cos I wanted to know truth, and I was hoping that he'd give that to me when he was ready, when he was healed. We all have our scars, our pasts, but Edward's… they were raw and bleeding, his were something serious.

But Alice, she was something else, girl fucking _floated_, otherworldly like she had no worries at all. He definitely didn't share that rosy attitude, sometimes I got the impression that Edward could and probably would rip your head off if you said the wrong thing at the wrong time, or worse still just shut you out completely. I didn't like feeling like that. Like I could lose what little I had. But those days were growing fewer and further apart and I was glad, I was glad I could help in some small way, and he was good company when he was happy. Hell, who was I kidding? I liked his company even when he was all silent and brooding.

I'd gotten to know Alice because she's his sister and well who knew Edward better than his twin? Plus there was just something about that girl, fucking enigma I couldn't believe these two shared the same womb, so different. Like they balanced each other out or something; ying and yang, oh god that was lame, I can't believe I actually thought that out loud, those sorts of thoughts are subconscious only. What I meant was Alice was all impulsive and crazy and Edward well he was just so reserved, so distant, there was something mysterious about the both of them, but Alice, its like she turned that mystery into something that made people stare, she almost hid it with her flaunting, her quirks, she wore them on her sleeve, _literally_, like what the fuck was she wearing today, dress was like something outta lord of the rings, like she was Arwen Evenstar or something, only this dress was sorter, kinda made her legs look longer, Alice was pretty short, well more than a little, its partly why I refer to her as a pixie, funnily enough I'm the only one that can call her that, I've seen a few of her friends try and fail. That girl may be small but she packs a hell of a punch.

She wears theses fucking crazy-arse biker boots that may as well be fused to her feet, hardly ever takes off that shit, like she's ready to roll whenever that guy that guy she's been waiting for rolls up on his Norton, Yamaha or whatever the fuck bike she'd be into. Makes me wonder if she wears that shit to bed, but I dismiss those thoughts immediately, impure thoughts about Alice just seem wrong, she's Edward's sister.

I tried to see the best in people but for the most part I just saw them for who they were and that meant the ugly as well as the good, and there was a fuck lot of ugly out there. Alice, she seemed to see the light in everyone, no one was beyond reprieve. I swear the world is tinted pink through those irises of hers, I silently wish more people were like her. I wish he'd see the world through those eyes that were so like his in colour but so different in every other way, her eyes shone with mischief and hope, while his were endless pools of sorrow, I'd never placed a colour with an emotion before but from now on sorrow, sadness was blue green, blue green with brown flecks which is why looking at Alice was so like witnessing some sort of miracle, because those eyes, those eyes weren't plagued with the same sadness, those eyes spoke of the future, fuck it was like I was staring at his eyes in years to come, a future where Edward's frowns were more rare then his smiles, I just hoped I was around to see it. I'd laugh at my own sentimentality if it wasn't so true, I do want to see it. Need to.

From what I could tell life has been pretty rough so far, and those small shoulders have definitely lent a hand in keeping him up and walking. And I'm grateful for that, because Edward means a lot to me, I'm not too sure why just yet but he does and I'm glad he's my room mate, more than that, a friend, even with the moody moments. Even those on occasion were a welcome change from the everyday monotony of class and track. God if he didn't blow a casket every now and then over absolutely nothing! I'd never admit it 'cos I know it would result in one of those situations where I might just find out if Edward really could sever a head, mine in fact, but sometimes I did it on purpose, just to get a rise out of him you know, to see some emotion play on that face of his. Like I'd said before it was a shame that such a pretty face was always sad, well worse than that, just stone cold frozen.

"Yea Jake, I'm fine!" that trademark Cullen smile never leaving her lips, it's strange how much her actions mirror that of her brother. "How're you?"

"I'm good Allie, what's bugging you?" behind the obvious nerves that caused those rosy cheeks was concern, she was thinking of Edward. She looks at me surprised as if I wouldn't or shouldn't know her so well already, but I swear it was less about how well I knew her and more about how well I knew her brother. Like I'd said before he and her shared a lot of the same tells, I could see how the gold flecks in her eyes danced a little as she spoke, skittish like, betraying her composure. I was observant that way, always have been. She wanted something and she wanted me to agree to whatever it was, but like I sometimes felt with Edward, this ability I have to know what the Cullens are feeling is often a one way deal, around me its as if they're blind, so she can't see that I would do whatever she asked when it concerned her brother always. I only ever wanted to help.

"So… I invited Edward to dinner earlier, I want you to make sure he comes." I look into her eyes and set my book aside. It was true that Edward and I had become close over the last few months, which is why when I looked into Alice's eyes all I saw was him, only her eyes were lighter, brighter, her eyes were his when laughter graced them. Despite how close we'd become I still couldn't get him to do anything he didn't want to and she knew that, if she couldn't do it then neither could I. And well dinner with his sister wasn't really something I'd have to make him do anyway. I briefly consider whether or not this has even has anything to do with Edward before I scold myself. Sometimes I let my ego get in the way. And besides Alice having a crush on me was a complication I didn't need.

"So you'll do it?" I drift back to the conversation realising that I hadn't agreed to her request. She's still leaning over me so I pat the grass to my left for her to sit down, it wasn't often anyone was physically able to look down on me and if I'm honest I really didn't like it; especially someone of her stature. She accepts the invitation and sits gracefully with seemingly no preparation at all, any other girl would be showing some serious snatch right now, but not Alice, she makes all that shit look easy.

"Anything for a Cullen." I say with a wink. I see her blush increase momentarily as she offers me a small smile and looks me directly in the eye much like Edward would, I'm starting to wonder if any of his little traits were his alone of if they shared them all. "Well its mutual you know; if you ever need anything."

"Thanks" I offer my own small smile in return.

******J******

Edward, Edward… strolling into the library I make my way towards Edwards table. You can see it from a mile off. Always stacked sky high with med books, as though he thought if he read enough, as in this whole mother-fucking library, he could save the world or something! I don't doubt it. Boy was stubborn.

"Wakey wakey sleeping beauty" Ed's facedown in a book, all sex hair and light snores.

"Jake?" He almost whispers it as though he doesn't believe it's me, it makes my dick stir a little and that shit isn't cool but I laugh it off like I always do.

"That's right bookworm. My favourite pixie has charged me with assuring your presence at a certain dinner tonight…" I chuckle out turning serious towards the end; Alice was pretty serious about him coming.

"Oh. That. S-or-ry, you don't have to come." He rushes out whilst dragging his left hand through that hair. He sounds pretty serious though, and I can't have that, I want to come.

"No that's alright, couldn't pass up a free dinner."

"Sure it's the dinner and not that you can't pass up the chance to ogle my sister?"

"Well I told you already I only have eyes for one Cullen" I feel my heart beating a little faster after what I've just let slip out, but I smile it up cos that shit is chessy as hell and its fucking me, he wouldn't take it that way.

"Liar!" he shouts swatting me on bicep, it doesn't really hurt but I am fucking amused that he just shouted in the fucking library. I begin gathering up his notes and books and unceremoniously chucking them into his backpack, its time to get out of here.

"Hey!" he whispers, seeming to remember he's in a library.

"I'm just helping…" I am!

"You can help by waiting for me outside, I'll be two minutes."

"Okay…" I back away hands held up, palms towards him in mock surrender and then walk backwards out of the library. My eyes are trained on Edwards but I feel the eyes that stare at me as I pass, I'm not oblivious and like I said before I'm observant. I flash him a smile as big as I can muster and then turn on my heel and head out of the big wooden doors, fucking heavy, god knows how you open this shit when you're half fucking dead after studying all damn night!

… Edward walks out fucking laughing his head off and I can't help the hurt expression that flashes across my face for a moment, as beautiful and musical as that sound is, I don't really like being laughed at, well I like it as much as the next guy, not in the fucking slightest. I flash him a quizzical look.

"What?" he laughs it up some more eyeballing me as if he were innocent.

"What do you mean what? You looked at me and then burst out laughing! If anyone should be curious here its me Edward. What was so fucking hilarious man?"

"You." He fucking smirks at me.

"That's not an answer." I reply keeping my voice steady. "Do I have something in my hair?" my hand inches up to my hair and I start brushing out imaginary spiders or cobwebs or something! Or maybe grass from earlier?

"It's not your hair Jacob." I can't explain the paranoia that takes over now as I reach for my face, brushing and scrubbing at my own skin, I hadn't really thought of myself as vain until this moment, self aware sure, like I said I'm observant and I noticed how girls looked at me, and the occasional boy. Time slows when Edward touches me, his hand firmly pulling mine away, I stare at how his hand touches mine, electricity, it hums, as soons as its there its gone, he drops my hand like it burns, like he felt it too. I shake my head and smile, Edward didn't feel anything, he'd say something right?

"So what was it?" I lower my voice, not seductive just gentle.

"It was nothing" three simple words shouldn't feel so empty. Sighing entirely I offer him my brightest smile, get it together bro.

"So tonight…"


	7. A little bit

AN: No excuses really, sorry its been forever since my late update! Not going to guess the date for the next chapter, but reviews always make it faster! Thanks for all the favourites! But please drop me a review too if you can! Feedback would be wonderful! Still unbetaed so if anyone wants to? Mistakes are my own.

No characters belong to me. Nada

Chapter 7: A Little bit

_Iridescent pearls of liquid perspiration drop from his brow onto the towel he holds in his hands as he brings it towards his face_, I'm not too sure when the earth's spin on its axis started to slow but shit has gone all slow motion on me and I'm fucking staring, staring at that sweat like I need to do something about it, consciously I refuse to think about it but subconsciously I must be because something is going on in my pants, like it knows what it is that I'm _not _thinking of doing and it approves.

Fuck! I blink furiously a few times but it does nothing to speed up the motion, Edward's still moving like something out of a fucking soppy arse rom-com, part of me is starting to admit defeat, I'm not sure how much longer I can fool myself or him into believing I'm cool with being friends, my body is clearly starting to betray me in more ways than one.

I have absolutely no problem admitting how hot he is, I'd be blind and fucking stupid to think otherwise but fuck my life he's starting to say something… and its still coming out as though I'm in some fucked up cartoon and shit is being dragged out and distorted, I shake my head and blink again for good measure, praying to every deity I can think of to return me to the land of the sane so I can answer my fucking friend! No one hears me, or maybe they do but they're just too busy laughing! I wouldn't be surprised! I'd laugh at me! God! Right about now, my heart is hammering so hard in my fucking chest I wouldn't not be surprised if he could hear it.

I don't know when he moved so close to me but I look up as I feel his breath on my face and his hand on my forehead, his eyes searching mine, he looks concerned, god knows I didn't want the first time he was this close to my face to be because he thinks I'm fucking ill, though honestly maybe I am? How long do they space out like this in the films? Not this fucking long right? He tries talking again and I concentrate on his lips, trying to lip read, only that's not such a good idea, staring at his lips is giving my dick all sorts of ideas, ideas that are rapidly turning it into a stiffy. I close my eyes, trying to shut out the visuals that are plaguing my mind, Edward's lips wrapped around my dick, Edward smirking, Edward's mouth in that half lopsided grin, pink, rosy, pouty; I groan and I hear him say something else but I've given up on trying to listen, anxiety takes hold. Deep breaths… 1, 2, 3… 1, 2, 3… out… 1,2,3 in… slowly sound starts to return to normal and I begin to open my eyes, Edward's brow is all furrowed with concern, but his voice is calm.

"Jacob? Can you hear me? Are you alright?"

I smile, this awkward embarrassed grin that's usually reserved for walking in on someone masturbating or… god here I go again.

"Hi…" I let the greeting drag a little while I wonder if I can pretend this little incident didn't just happen, that I didn't almost fucking faint over my room mate and his fuck hot body, shit! I still have a stiffy. I'm fucking ecstatic over Edward and his eye contact issues right now! – "…I'm fine. Sorry about that! Must be the heat or something…" I don't know who the fuck I'm trying to kid here, its fucking Washington, the suns out but its hardly fucking California, and its February.

"Jake… maybe you should sit down?" his hand moves away from my cheek and down to the small of my back, that electricity starts again, and I swear to all the deities that will hear me that if they'll just make this stop I'll actually decide on a god and pray, I promise each of them individually; the distraction is helping to decrease the blood flow to my dick and I'm profoundly grateful, now just to work out who I should be thanking…

"Hey Jake… that's it sit down… does that feel better?" Edwards talking to me like I just found out I had cancer or something, I see the concern on his face and I couldn't be more mortified that my perving has caused this level of concern and distress, and I feel bad about it I do but I suddenly have the urge to laugh and I can't stop it, so I do, and it feels good, feels good to just release all this shit that's been between us, so what if I think my roommate, my friend is hot and I wanna lick the sweat off his face and maybe kiss him a little… There's nothing wrong with a little attraction, its not that this is particularly new for me, its just that well the electricity… the electricity when he touches me makes this more than sexual attraction, more than chemistry and I don't know that I can ignore it. I wish I could, but I'm just grateful that my dick's said goodnight for now, I'm not asking for another miracle least I piss of Apollo, I'm guessing it were him that helped out earlier. 

"I know this may come as a surprise Mike, so I'm gonna break this to you gently… not everyone wants to lick your balls."

"- But seriously what is up with him? That ain't normal homie!" Mike always tried to act like he was _down _around me, pissed me the fuck off, not least because I was Quileute not fucking African American.

"Fuck off Newton, he doesn't have to talk to you if he doesn't want to. Now shut the fuck up or I'll leave your sorry arse in here alone, sup to you bro…"

Mike shuts the fuck up like I knew he would, never in my life have I met a person so uncomfortable in their own company. It wouldn't last for long though, but at least he'll lay of Edward for a while, his need to fill every silence with pointless dribble is only second to his inability to be alone. Sometimes I think that's why he puts up with Jessica, really it is the only plausible explanation, girl is a skank. I'm all about the free love and a little shameless flirting but doesn't mean you have to kick up your skirt at every opportunity, not that I wear a skirt, you understand? Sometimes I don't know where the fuck I get these sayings, must come from hanging out with too many old people back home.

I focus on the weights I'm benching; exercise, pain, sweat, has a way of elevating stress, its always worked for me, a way of working out my feelings, I wonder what mike would say if he ever heard me say that? Feelings? Like I give a fuck! 

Standing with my back against the wall I continue watching Jacob run; he's been distant lately, dinner at Alice's seemed fine, but that was five days ago and now he's just… distant. It's not like me to really notice these things, but everything's different with Jake. I'm different with Jake. I suppose that what it boils down to, when's he not around neither am I. I've let him have his space so far but its Saturday, its time to work on his rabbit, nothing lights up Jake like that car, so I'm hoping working on it together like we always do will help us get out of whatever funk I wasn't aware we'd entered.

I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything, at least not anything different. But even if I had, Jake's not the kind of guy to give up on anyone, and I… I really need him not to give up on me; this friendship's the one ray of light I've got right now. That I've had, in a long time.

I take a moment to take in his form, fluid graceful limbs moving with a trained control that only comes from years of dedication, controlled freedom, two words that perhaps shouldn't co-exist in the same statement, but looking at him now it's the only two words that make any sense, its like he's _so_ free, like he could escape anything, anyone, I can't help but remember the feel of ivory under my fingertips, the sincerity of music, the comfort. Playing was my attempt at prayer, the weightlessness I felt as those notes filled me and the room, but God isn't listening to me anymore, I'd realised that a long time ago, I don't deserve his forgiveness, but Jake… I'm not sure what I deserve but I need him, and the selfish part of me won't let him go.

I notice they're finishing up, Jessica's jumped up onto Newton, he must have ran fast or something, its just a practice so if I'm honest that kind of behaviour just seems a little exhibitionist. I see Lauren sitting in the stands trying to look as if she doesn't care, its obvious she does, to me at least. I think Jake sees her too, because he suddenly has a slight frown taking shape on lips that are rarely down turned. He doesn't seem to me and I'm not sure if that's a good thing, like I said I think he's been avoiding him, at least this way I can pounce on him. Metaphorically speaking of course.

I walk up behind him and rest a hand on his bicep, its slightly damp with sweat from the run and he turns with this blinding smile, and I decide I was right in watching practice today, if only for that.

"Hey Ed, Bella kick you out of the library?" he raises an eyebrow and then his eyes motion to my hand that's still resting on his bicep, I remove it, his sweat moistening the palm of my right hand.

"Its Saturday" his eyes light up in recognition, and nods slightly before heading to the changing rooms.

EN: So what did you think? Review and let me know! Or any ideas? PM me! You never know! T.R


	8. Precious

AN: Sorry it's been an age. I've been pretty uninspired but here's hoping this chapter is the first in a more frequent update. Thank you for the reviews, alerts and favourites. It's amazing to me that people are still finding and reading this when it hasn't been updated in so very long. And to those that are loyal to the story, thank you and I will try to do better. x

D: As always all characters belong to Ms Stephanie Meyer, I just play.

"So in a dream world… in _your _dream world, what car would you have?"

He looks up from the under the bonnet of the car with this huge smile on his face, more of a grin really, I inspect him for a minute or two. I think he's laughing at me. His lips quiver slightly and his shoulders are shaking so slightly that a less trained eye might miss it. Oh yes, he's definitely laughing at me.

"Come on Eddie is that the best you got? The most ridiculous question you could come up with? Is that something you really want to know? You know you only have five questions left right? You really want to use that one? Something you should probably know by now anyway… "

His eyes are twinkling with myth and I know he's joking but maybe he's right? Should I know? I rack through all my memories of the past few months but I can't really remember talking about that, which is odd because every other word out of Jake's mouth is car, well maybe that isn't fair, but the boy sure knows how to make a significant number of metaphors using car engines, car tires… and Keats…

"Ok. Ok fine! So if you could meet anyone at all in the world, dead or alive, who would it be and what would you say?"

"I'm not sure you understand the game Edward." He sighs as though I've made another mistake, or as if maybe there's something bigger that I don't understand.

"Ok so I'm assuming that time travel exists in this er… dream world right? So…"

He appears to be giving it some thought, which appeases me somewhat from his earlier jibe.

"Pamela Anderson Baywatch times! In my world she's a little less blonde a little more into Eudora Welty? Maybe she'll save me from drowning in that swimsuit? Yea Pamela Anderson!"

He bits his lower lip and gives this little nod, which seems to be looking for approval or something… I give the guy nod; I think that's what I should do. I try to keep the frown off my face, for fear of giving anything away. He's entitled of course; just I would have thought that a typical jock answer, only it isn't is it? Who is Eudora Welty? And Jake isn't a typical jock. "Really?" it escapes my lips like an accusation, I haven't managed to hide my surprise. He gives me a smug smile and raises his eyebrows, before he barks out in laughter, in that way that he does, the laughter rippling off his shoulders in rolls.

"No not really. But you gotta love a lady with imagination"

He takes a deep breath bringing his hands up his face to fist his hair and shuts his eyes before continuing.

"Anyone, anytime?"

I nod, though he can't see me…

"I'd meet my dad. I know I met him already but he left too soon."

He takes a sharp breath and looks at me, really looks at me, I can see that same misty eye I get when I think about my dad, I think maybe I'm meant to see that, it feels like he's saying we, so I give him a slight smile, barely a moment really, just a release of tension in my mouth, but he seems to understand, he always does.

"I wouldn't say I knew him really." He sighs and it's as if all that bravado, all those things that make Jake bigger than life escape with that breath because this one question that I've asked.

"I've just got all these stories that people have told me my whole life about how great he was, and I mean I have these little conversations in my head sometimes with him, you know? I don't know. Maybe I'm a little crazy for even admitting to this but I do, its like I've built up this picture of him from all those stories and I'd kinda like to see if I was right you know? I'd like to meet him before he was my dad though."

He pauses to look me in the eye again like it's important that I understand what he meant by that.

"I kinda wanna see if he'd like me?" he smiles. Slow, unsure. " You know without being obligated to. I mean you gotta like your kid right? But a friend… friends are a choice."

He holds his hand out and I wordlessly pass him the ratchet.

"He'd like you" I mouth to his back, barely a whisper, I'm not sure if he heard, he doesn't say anything. "Its your turn" I say with a slight smile, I know what he means.

"Oh its mine? Right let me show you how this actually works… " He responds in his flirtiest of tones.

This time I really smile; I can't help it.

* * *

Loud. Insistent bangs. A voice maybe? I snuggle deeper into the pillow, for once having been granted that peaceful coma of a decent night's sleep. If I can just ignore it… I feel sleep clawing its way back over my consciousness, surrounding, suffocating, this won't be the same dream as the last, I can tell, but I allow it to wash over me all the same.

Jacob. Wet and smiling wrapped in a white brushed-cotton towel that slinks around his hips and travels down to his barely covered knees, he's sitting on my bed, well more like he dumped himself on it. My sheets are all twisted and I'm slick with sweat. I'm under no illusions that waking me was a mistake. He ruffles my hair and gets up. He asks no questions.

"Hey Jake? Did I hear the door this morning?" I ask whilst scrambling for my tee, I must have stripped off some time during the night because I don't remember going to sleep so _exposed._

"Erm yea that was Rose. Sorry about that. Rose is a morning person too; only she thinks everyone should be up with her. I'll let her know we'll meet on the track in future."

"Rose?"

"Yeah." He yawns. "Blonde, Amazonian goddess type. A real ball buster mind, I'd love to see Newton have a go, but even he's not that stupid. She's on the track team, wicked 200m, she wants to work on her endurance though-" I stopped hearing somewhere around Amazonian goddess, was the untouchable Jacob Black interested in someone? And why is my stomach churning? And for that matter why am I so surprised? Maybe I just don't want to lose him; relationships can be all consuming and tear you away from your friends, much less your semi- suicidal roommate that spends near twenty-four hours in the library daily and whom you have to wake from nightmares, who knows nothing about cars, or track or Keats or Chaucer or even Eudora Welty, in fact I'm not sure what we do have in common… his lips stop moving so I take that as my queue and smile with a slight nod of my head in his direction, it isn't a bright smile, the one that I suppose he's used to, my thoughts brought on by our conversation have disturbed me and I can't quite make the muscles in my face work right, the best I can hope for is the lack of a grimace.

"Cool. Hey I'm gonna head to class. I'll see you later Jake." I offer up that small smile again and grab my bag, pull the strap over my head and across my body, quickly exiting the room. Glancing at the watch on my wrist I see its only 8.20, I don't have a class for two hours.

Its three minutes to midnight and I'm still at the library, buried in books. I know Jacob doesn't think its healthy, or Bella for that matter and she pretty much lives here as well, but if I want to complete that extra credit paper for Professor Aro I'm going to need to pull out all the stops, I don't know why no one ever seems to be able to understand that. It's always seemed pretty straight forward to me, you only get out what you put in and I will put in everything I have, it's the least I owe. There's something cathartic about this work ethic, the kind that takes every ounce of what you have to get through it, exhaustion brings the sweet surrender of a dreamless sleep and I would do anything for that. Strangely the conversation and subsequent thoughts surrounding Jacob have managed to bring _her_ to the forefront of my mind. Everything reminds me of her, even in here, in my sanctuary of sorts. I always know that its time to give up when she enters my thoughts, she's like a plague, all consuming like what I assume that Amazonian goddess will be to Jake. Love and infatuation make you lose who you are, who you were. It's like being reborn into someone else's ideal of you. Which is all well and good but what about the other people all your life? What about the people that need you as you are now? As you have always been. That was always the problem with Jane and I.

With that morose thought and the increasingly maudlin nature of every thought for the past half hour, I begin to gather my things into my bag and sling it back over my shoulder in the same rushed fashion of this morning. Cringing as I hear the chair legs scratch across the stone floor. My footsteps an unwelcome staccato against the mismatched floor, clean and sharp. Forcing open the heavy wooden door of the library with the very last of my energy reserves I head towards the vending machine for my midnight feast, forgetting dinner has long since become a habit. I hear the chime of the coins and they enter the slot in the machine and I realise that the dreamless sleep is not the only reason I invite such exhaustion, it's the clarity of the night, the focus, the ability to hear the music of the night. I draw comfort from the sound of the leaves as they batter the glass of the ceiling in the canteen, the sound in syncopation with the staccato of my footsteps, now on grooved wood rather than stone.


End file.
